By Abdul Momoh.
Ilorin, the Kwara State capital will tomorrow Saturday agog as the head of business deck, National Pilot Newspaper, Mike Adeyemi will be unveiling his 11th book.
The book titled, “Who is a Good in-law”, is a piece which chronicles the excesses and overbearing of in-laws in the African marriages alongside proffering what to do to protect once marriage from meddling in-laws.
Speaking with our reporter, Mike Adeyemi, a chartered economist turned journalist noted that in-laws caused argument in 60 per cent of marriages ,while 22 per cent said they would divorce them if they could, affirming that women who get along with their in-laws actually have increased probability of divorce , by about 20 per cent.
According to him, ‘one in five husbands and wives said their marriage suffered from lack of privacy caused by their spouse’s parents dropping in unannounced or coming to stay.’
“Narcissistic in-laws can ruin a marriage especially if the son or daughter is oblivious to the games their parents are playing.
“Most people have trouble getting along with their in-laws. In fact, your toxic relationship with your partner’s parents (or family in general) can become quite the war zone, ” Adeyemi said.
The author added that the book is wholly written to help young people who are on the verge of planing to get married on how they can relate with their prospective in-laws so they don’t make a bad situation in their marriage.
“When you don’t see eye to eye or you feel like his/her family is too imposing or rude, it’s only natural that you’ll feel resentment and won’t want to be around them anymore.
” Like it or not, though, his family will always be there, so you have to find a way to deal with in-laws and handle this discomfort. Your relationship with your in-laws doesn’t have to be perfect — or even happy.
“But instead of exclaiming “I hate my in-laws!” you should work so that it doesn’t burden you or your relationship with your partner. While you didn’t enter your marriage looking for an ax to grind with your in-laws, over the course of your marriage you’ve had cause to question their character and morality,” the versatile author advised.
He further said though it is possible to survive amidst in-laws tangles, but it shouldn’t be in the unknown of the couples.
“In fact, there have been many times that you’ve wished you could just divorce yourself from them. Unfortunately, you can’t! So what can you do?
” It is possible for a marriage to survive even when you don’t get along with your in-laws, but it takes a clear understanding and agreement between you and your spouse.
“The old saying about marrying your partner’s family is true to the extent you let it be. Extended family can have a strong impact on your marriage, so it’s a subject better dealt with head-on and not left to chance, ” the business editor stressed.
While the Chairman of the occasion is Dr. Kayode Olatoke(SAN) as the former permanent Secretary , Kwara State Ministry of Statistics, Alh. Nasir Ibrahim will be the Guest Speaker at the event slated for Saturday November, 13th at Bovina Hall, New Yidi Road Ilorin by 10am.
Expected personalities to grace the book launching includes the Fuji lord, King Wasiu Ayinde Marshal, who also doubles as Mayegun of Yoruba land, Senator Rafiu Ibrahim, a US based socialite, Otunba Olabode Oyedepo fondly called De – Way and Chairman of Tuyil Pharmaceutical Ltd, Chief Joseph Awotuyi.
Other diginatories are the MD/ Editor in Chief, National Pilot Newspaper, Alh. Billy Adedamola, the Chairman of Galib Chamber, Mall. Yusuf Olaolu Ali(SAN), the immediate past Chairman of Kwara State Internal Revenue Service(KWIRS), Prof. Muritala Awodun amongst others.
Of course, you are still a member of your family of origin and that familial relationship is important. However, both of you must remember that once you marry, your allegiance should shift to your partner.
You are forming a new family that takes priority over the old. Hopefully, everybody can get along. But in any disagreement between spouse and family, you need to side with your spouse if their position is reasonable and rational. If someone has to be disappointed, it should be the in-laws, not your partner.
Because you are the one with feet in both camps, it is your job to manage the relationship with your parents. If you truly want to protect your marriage from meddling inlaws, this is a must.
It is unfair and, ultimately, unworkable to leave this role to your spouse. This means you will have to deal with any outstanding issues you have with your parents.
When it comes to abusive, meddling, advice giving, or surprise visiting in-laws, what you tell them about your relationship, holiday celebrations, child rearing, etc. don’t allow behaviors or habits to start that you don’t want to live with for the length of your marriage.
While you can’t stop your parents from trying to do what they want, calmly refusing to go along with them is your choice.
The more you try to change their minds or behavior, the more power you give them in your lives. Grieve their choice, provide appropriate information about your family, manage your hurt, and move on.
Learn to let go of that idea of one big happy family. You don’t have to choose between them to have a happy marriage. Your spouse may never want to have anything to do with your family but you can still be in contact with them.
You will just have to adjust your expectations about when and how you see them while protecting your marriage at the same time. Sometimes, if you can drop your end of the rope and stop trying to make everyone get along, the two parties can change their position over time.
Your partner and your marriage are your top priority. Protect your marriage. You and your spouse must clearly define the boundaries of your marriage. This means deciding who comes in, when, and under what circumstances. You promised to forsake all others. This means your parents.
As early as possible, decide how you want to spend holidays and other important occasions as a couple. Do not just go along and hope you can change it later.
Recognize you cannot change your family’s behavior, only your response to it. Have a clear and united response that supports your marriage.
Listen to your partner’s viewpoint and feelings about your family with an open mind and heart. Don’t automatically defend your family.
Be clear about what is okay to share about your marriage with your parents. Do not betray your spouse’s confidences or vulnerabilities. Make sure you tell them about the positive aspects of your spouse and marriage.
If you cannot reconcile your partner and your parents, stop trying. Do not force your spouse to be with them if it is too hurtful. It’s okay to visit them alone.
You are the spokesman and enforcer for your marriage to your parents. Do not leave it to your partner to work things out with your parents. Let their relationship be as easy as possible.
As you can see, there are a few easy things you can do to protect your marriage from meddling in-laws. While not all in-laws are bad, you should still consider these advises so you don’t make a bad situation in your marriage.